Well I used to deal with such things too, and I was pretty anxious and not that good at talking and I don't know I was pretty stressed and then one summer I'm not sure what really happened but I changed completely. That happened 3 years ago already.
Now I honestly just always think that "it's gonna solve itself somehow". I keep thinking that fate has a way of sorting things out and that I don't have to bother too much with it.
When friends need me I try to be there for them but not overly thinking. Most of the times if helps them that I'm relaxed.
It's like... Just going with the flow. I know this is not that much of a good advice and people seem to find it extremely hard to follow. But really after you try it you see that somehow everything comes together. Problems come, problems go. I know that sometimes it just gets too stressing and hard to pull out through but you gotta be optimistic.
And I consider the whole 'you gotta learn how to say no' mentality pretty wrong. You gotta learn how to do it so that it feels good for you. When you're laid back everything seems easier.
I don't know if this makes any sense at all but when you don't overly think the problem and just... go with it, it just naturally gets better.

Last edited by rukia131 (13-02-2016 17:56:37)

Okay, so I'm kinda capable in answering this. I know saying "no" is easier said than done. I've been there and I'm still there. My teacher noticed last year and said "Most people care think for themselves. People like us, who care about them, are very rare. But because they're too busy taking care of themselves they're not thinking about you. You have to tell them to think about you and usually they will. But you have to ask."

Best thing he's ever said to me, honestly. People are seeing what you're doing for them and for others. You may be doing it secretly but they see that too. You have to ask. And yeah, I know that's taboo. You can't ask someone to help you. It would burden them. I'm still struggling with that. I mean if it's my family or someone super close to me, I'm just like go get me my laptop from three floors down. But if it's a casual friend I'm not gonna ask that of them.

It's not a matter of saying no. It's a matter of asking. That friend that's depressed. You've been taking care of her everyday, doing the most you can. Tell her, Listen, I haven't had the chance to be alone, but I definitely will come by tomorrow.

Your family member that's failing? You've been working with them as much as you can. You can't baby them the whole time. Give them some work to do so that you can see they've learnt the material and tell them you haven't gone shopping, and you're going today. You'll be back to help them tomorrow. Plus, you don't need to be there all the time. It's one of those things that's gradual so you have to do it for a long time until it's over

That friend that got laid off? You've talked to her and calmed her down, now you're helping her find a job. When she's at the interview, then you don't need to be there with her. Tell her congrats and tell her that you're going spend the rest of the day dreaming for her success.

Things that you liked to do that you can't do anymore:
Movies, Meditation, watching shows.
Those are things you can do with a friend who's in trouble.

Friends depressed, "Hey I haven't bought myself an ice cream in a while, let's go get some!" Pester until she comes. OR "Let's meditate. It'll help calm your nerves. Trust me. It'll be fun"
Family member that is failing, "If you don't get an A on this paper, I'm going to the movies without you."
Friend who can't get a new job, "Let's celebrate by marathoning our favorite series"
Friend who found a job, "Congrats! Let's celebrate by going shopping."

If you really need that day alone and can't find it, then how about this. Since you're brilliant at time management, pick a day in a month. ( I suggest the day of your birthday ) On that day every month you spend time by yourself and tell everyone, "look, this day is mine." Schedule everything so that nothing falls on that one day.

Of course you'll go to work and do work related things if that day falls on a weekday, but after work the day is yours.

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There was something else I wanted to add but I can't remember. When I do I'll make a new post/edit here

Let's see if I can help:

I'm the youngest in my family yet I'm the responsible one. Just like you. When someone wants something done, they come to me. It was an honor at first, until my Mom had a stroke a few years ago and I had to do EVERYTHING it seemed. On top of doing the usual, like dishes and cleaning the litter boxes, I had to suddenly cook all the meals for dinner; fix my Mom breakfast AND lunch. I also had to grocery shopping and I had to stop putting off learning how to drive and get a license. I could barely do anything for myself that it got me super depressed. Last year was when I broke down. My brother found me bawling my head off in my room.  We talked and came to a compromise. I was able to grow from that experience and am a stronger person for it.

Recently I read a book called "How Happy People Chose to be Happy", and there was this one chapter about a girl who was in a similar situation where she was so busy doing everything for other people that she had no time to do what she loved. There was a sick friend of hers that she loved like a sister, but the friend was becoming so needy that eventually the girl had to talk it out with her and explain that she couldn't always spend time with her. They came to a compromise, too.

The thing is, if the people you are helping really care about you, they should understand that you need to be able to do the things you like as well. That you need some time alone to do what you want to do. Talk it out with them and let them understand your thoughts, feelings, and stresses. It's not always going to work, but it should work more often than not.

I honestly never expected such a thing from you. I've seen your for so long and you always seemed so in touch with everything, I never suspected that you could been running through such a thing! I'm really sorry but I hope you get better and you find help!

And why am I saying this? I see many of us have this problem, me as well, and we all have our different way of handling it and, somehow, there's always someone else to help us. That's why I'm saying this.

As angelfire suggested, try to incorporate those friends in need into your needs. Go to the park, go out for some ice cream, go meditate with them, go to a library and study, etc etc... Again, you can never neglect yourself in order to satisfy others. My mother used to do that a lot but then she was always like "you're gonna miss me when I'm gone!" - your regular mom saying - and one time I just told her back "then treat yourself so you can actually be here to treat us, your kids."

What's the deal of helping others if you're not on your right mind as well? What's the deal of helping a sick friend if you're sick as well? In order for you to be where you are at now, you had to grow on your own, right? Well continue doing that! Otherwise, it's no use.

Personally, I get this as well... I have classes from 10am to 1.30pm (we always get out late), then work from 2pm to 5pm, meetings until 6 or 7pm, sometimes 8pm, and then that's when I start having my own free time but I'm usually way too tired. I wake up around 7am, take 15minutes for myself, just writing down what I have to do for the day or at least revise, get ready and then study until I have to go to classes. At lunch, I have to eat while I'm on my way to work because I take around 20minutes to get there. And, at the end of the day, it's when I revise what I learned in class but it's also the time when everyone gathers to play, to go out, to have dinner, etc etc. It's when everyone calls me and, when I notice, it's 11pm and I'm dead tired. Recently, the one that's been helping me is my boyfriend. He's the one who pulls me and says "ok, that's enough work for today, we're going to sleep now" or he's the one who gets ideas to gather people when they all start to ask me out and he's like "ok, dinner at my place". He's my constant remind that I have the right to need myself as well and that other people can wait 5 minutes.

I'm not saying you should totally do the same as me but try to get someone or something to remind you that you can rest as well. Maybe get up 5 minutes earlier and take that time to meditate. I gained the habit of taking my showers with my eyes closed as way to just relax so I don't look around and be like "oh I should clean that. oh that shampoo is finishing. oh i should fix that" etc etc

I'm probably not saying anything new now but yeah... Remind yourself that, in order to be there for others, you actually have to be here.