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#1 2013-07-10 18:12:41

darkelfqueen
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From: Where everything else meets
Registered: 2012-03-21
Posts: 51772

Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

Well...I like writing fanfics. My last one is still being updated and it's a mystery one...My newer one however is inspired by 'Ib', the horror game. (Pwediepie anyone????) Anyways, since it will eventually has blood and is considered a horror story...I'm not sure if I should be posting the rest of the chapters here or not...But for now...I'd like your feedback for the first chapter!

Chapter (1): A kiss is all it takes...

He climbed the marble stairs to the top of the museums two steps at a time. He wasn’t exactly very excited about the field trip, but anything…anything whatsoever would take his mind off of the recent events.

Before making it through the huge glass doors, he took out an engagement ring out of his pocket and took one last look at it before throwing it casually into the garbage bin…where it belonged. Not acknowledging the feeling of remorse swelling into his heart, he sprinted into the museum to where the voice of his professor carried from.

Professor Marsh was a small woman in her fifties with one loud voice…One very loud voice. It carried through the halls and all the way to the main entrance. But there was a reason students still chose to take her classes…She wasn’t a person for micro management. As long as you did what she asked you to do, she didn’t care how. And that’s exactly what Yamato needed.

Yamato Ishida, 21, was a senior Art student with a bright future ahead of him. Even though, most of his friends expected him to go into Music, he surprised them by majoring in Art and only minoring into music…saying that he didn’t want his hobby to become his main job or it would lose its charm.

While his decision resulted into a lot of crying fan girls who were excitedly for an official release of his band’s records, he didn’t feel bad about it. He liked art. Music was an art in itself…and he still enjoyed working on other forms of art…Specially sculpting.

And that’s why he was here. His instructor, Professor Marsh, thought that bringing them to the museum would inspire their final projects. And there they were.

“Ishida!” Professor Marsh’s voice interrupted his train of thoughts.

He looked at her innocently through that curtain of blond hair that became his signature. “Yes, Mrs. Marsh?”

“Miss. And you weren’t paying attention.” He heard a snicker come from the direction of his best friend, Taichi Yagami. One look at Tai and one would immediately come to the conclusion that he’s not to be trusted…Not that he was a bad guy, but he was really impulsive, laid back and had that air of mischief about him.

Professor Marsh shot a look at Tai before bringing her attention back to Yamato. He didn’t see any other way out, so he murmured an apology and let her go on.

Tai walked over to his side and placed an arm around him saying, “I just figured out a way to ace this course.”

Yamato smirked and said, “Don’t say! God forbids you actually do your work.”

“Of course not!” Tai exclaimed disbelievingly.
“Then what, bushy brain?”

“I’ll marry Marsh! She can’t fail her own husband!”

Yamato shook his head and was going to comment about his friend’s sense of humor only to be interrupted by a girl saying, “I heard she screamed her last boyfriend deaf. Ever heard of the mandrake shrill?”

That girl was Mimi Taichikawa, their friend…And everyone knew she had something going on with Tai. They always had that awkward dance around each other. And whenever there was an event they couldn’t find a date for, they’d take each other.

Tai gulped jokingly and said, “Then there’s no need for the CD I just bought yesterday.”
Mimi chuckled and got Professor Marsh to look at them angrily. The three of them cut it off and decided to listen to what the ‘little quacker’ had to say.

They arrived to a room with one tomb like structure on display. As they approached it, they saw a girl sleeping inside it. At the first glance, you’d think she was for real…but then you notice that she’s nothing but a statuette. A very beautiful and detailed statuette.
For the first time, Yamato wanted to know more about the sleeping girl. He decided to willingly give little quacker his full attention…Just that once.

“The Sleeping Maiden is the only known work of Alfredo Meese. He was an artist that lived in our city, but was…well….somewhat strange. He was known to destroy all of his artworks the night they were over. Except for this masterpiece…”

Yamato read what was written under the display. Under the title of the artwork, there was Meese’s name and ‘(1950 - 2012)’ written on it. He didn’t notice himself asking, “It says here he died last year… In his forties?”

Little Quacker raised a finger corrected him saying, “Was Murdered. He was found stabbed under the base of his masterpiece just moments after he called a friend to tell him he was finished with it.”

The air thickened around the students as they took in what she said. She looked at the statuette then added, “He had told that same friend though that he had a vision…Of a girl that was cursed to live in a world of terror and fear until one day when she’d be freed into our world. He said that the girl, who he described as a red haired siren, begged him to make a statue out of her hoping that one day someone would be able to wake her up from the nightmare she lives in.”

A girl from the front asked meekly, “How would they do that?”

Little Quacker shrugged and went on, “That’s what I know. Now in the other room you’ll find…”

And that’s when Yamato muted her out. He let the others follow her to the other room while he stood staring at the statuette.

She was beautiful, that’s for sure…And something about her was welcoming. Before he even noticed it, he started talking to her, “Hi…”

As if expecting her to respond, he was quiet for a while, then asked in a whisper, “Why?”
He took a deep breath, then asked again in an angrier and a much louder tone, “Why would you want to come to this world?”

Of course she didn’t reply, but he went on angrily, “No world could be more terrifying and painful than this one…You can’t trust anyone…You give them your back and you get stabbed…Like your maker..”

He paused for a second then said with a tear escaping him, “You give them your back and they cheat on you… On your anniversary…”

Shaking his head, he said, “You still want to come here, don’t you?” He towered over her and stared at her closed eyes half expecting them to open up.

“Well…I’ll help you…But don’t come crying to me after you see the reality of this world. Nothing is what it seems…Now…how would I do it? Kiss you, sleeping beauty?”

And he did. He kissed her cold lifeless lips then stood up looking down upon her.

When nothing happened, he murmured, “Of course.”

“Blonde!” He heard Tai call him and turned around to see him and Mimi waiting by the door.
He was about to step towards him when the lights went out…But it was…strange…He could see nothing…Absolutely nothing. Not even his own hands.

The lights flickered back on and he didn’t see Tai nor Mimi…Turning around, he gasped on not seeing the statuette. And to make things worse … he heard weird moaning coming from where the other students were.



#2 2013-07-10 22:19:14

bloodyemos
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From: Toradora!
Registered: 2012-01-28
Posts: 38246
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Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

I am on the edge of my seat....


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#3 2013-07-10 23:40:41

angelfire
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Posts: 21425
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Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

That's it?? XP
I must know whats next! My god i cant even think @.@ DARKYYYY

Last edited by angelfire (2013-07-11 00:19:35)


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#4 2013-07-11 23:46:51

darkelfqueen
The Mod Squad
From: Where everything else meets
Registered: 2012-03-21
Posts: 51772

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

Ohmygod THank girls!!! This is my first time writing a horror story, so your feedback helps...A LOT

 

#5 2013-07-13 17:58:13

malu
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From: Hogwarts
Registered: 2010-02-18
Posts: 29741

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

I. WANT. TO. READ. MORE!!

Gaaa~ I love it!~ :D Post more or something!


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#6 2013-07-13 19:27:20

amaryllis-love
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From: The couch
Registered: 2010-12-02
Posts: 11534

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

You definitely captured my attention.
*stares at you wide eyed and imploringly* UPDATE. NAOW. I MEAN IT.


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#7 2013-07-13 20:05:22

spiderwick9
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From: The Glorious PNW
Registered: 2011-02-27
Posts: 5733

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

This... makes my writing tremble in comparison.
UPDATE THIS. I MUST KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT. SHOW ME. SHOW ME!!!!


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#8 2013-07-14 01:12:14

darkelfqueen
The Mod Squad
From: Where everything else meets
Registered: 2012-03-21
Posts: 51772

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

Ohmygod. Thanks a lot girls!!! I really would love to post more, but some chapters have bloody scenes...i am not sure if they're okay for the board? Could a mod elaborate on this?

 

#9 2013-07-14 02:57:41

spiderwick9
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From: The Glorious PNW
Registered: 2011-02-27
Posts: 5733

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

Have you contacted one yet?
Appart from that, if you have/will post it on fanfic, or some other site, could you send me the link?

Last edited by spiderwick9 (2013-07-14 02:59:03)


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#10 2013-07-14 07:35:10

malu
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From: Hogwarts
Registered: 2010-02-18
Posts: 29741

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

Sent me ze link!!!~


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#11 2013-07-22 19:17:46

darkelfqueen
The Mod Squad
From: Where everything else meets
Registered: 2012-03-21
Posts: 51772

Re: Need Feedback for my new fanfic (Dead or Alive)

I'm writing the rest of the chapters and will start posting it soon!! Thanks a lot for the encouragement!!!! You girls rock!!!

 
 

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